Sunday, October 25, 2009

Virgin Mugger

A couple of years ago I was coming home from a Steve Almond reading (if you don't know who he is, check him out - he's hilarious, not to mention very cute) and was about to put the key in my front door when I heard a voice behind me. I thought it was a neighbor - I turned around, and some guy was standing behind me on my front porch. He said, "Give me your purse and you won't get hurt." I said, "What?" He repeated himself. I stared at him, thinking, I'm not giving this asshole my purse, and trying to decide if I should just screech in his face and scare the shit out of him. He said, "I'm not kidding." He had no visible weapon of any kind, he wasn't touching me or trying to grab the purse, and he was so amiable about the whole thing that I didn't feel particularly threatened. If he was high on anything, it was probably weed, he was so mellow. I said, "I don't even have any cash," which happened to be true (I had thirteen cents in my wallet). He just stood there and looked at me like, shit, what now? I then yelled at him, "Get the hell out of here!" and he left. Didn't even run; just kind of sauntered away. He was probably the most lame-ass mugger I've ever heard of. I can't help but be grateful that, if I had to have an attempted robbery experience, I was lucky enough to have one with someone who was such a model of gentility. Was he a mugging virgin? Perhaps. Maybe just a Cambridge native. I speculate that maybe that one unsuccessful mugging attempt caused him to re-evaluate his life path and decide to go to college after all and follow his dream to become a marine biologist. But probably not.

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