Friday, February 26, 2010

Hypochondriac's Haiku

I wake with chest pain
I hurry to the doctor
Woohoo! It's just gas

I wait an hour
if I haven't keeled over
I think I'm okay

Now my arm is numb
I try hard not to panic
oops - I slept on it

Sunday, February 21, 2010

Tiger Haiku

You apologized
for screwing lots of women
I'm supposed to care?

Friday, February 19, 2010

Olympics Haiku

I watch men's skating
thinking of how amazing
they look in those tights

Winning that medal
Must be the ultimate high
Next - ads for toothpaste

You ski with sprained limbs
Trying to ignore the pain
You can scream later

Tuesday, February 16, 2010

Hitchcock Haiku

Birds flock in a bush
a Tippi Hedren moment
on my way to work

Sunday, February 14, 2010

Boston Winter Haiku

We freeze our balls off
lawn chair saves a parking space
winter's a cold bitch

Slip on the black ice
maybe no one saw me fall
I try to look cool

Bare trees black and sharp
Snow floating down from gray skies
covering dog turds

Saturday, February 13, 2010

Morning after haiku

He snores next to me
Not sure how I feel today
Should I sneak out now?

His body's so warm
I rest my hand on his heart
Wake up for Round 5

I wake and he's gone
jumbled thoughts swirl in my head
then - toilet flushes

Sunday, February 7, 2010

Valentine Haiku

Valentine's coming
Candy companies rejoice
Chocolate overdose

a day for couples
the rest of us grit our teeth
and try not to puke

Cupid shoots arrows
oops - he misses his target
latte springs a leak

Friday, February 5, 2010

A Thong for Grandma

I saw a commercial recently for a nursing home that claims to provide "successful aging." As opposed to unsuccessful aging? What would unsuccessful aging consist of? I suppose if you keel over and die before you get too far into the aging process, that could be considered unsuccessful aging. Or being brain-dead would probably qualify as well.

Maybe unsuccessful aging is not actually managing to age at all, which doesn't really seem like a bad thing, unless you're a vampire or have had so much Botox you can't move any of the muscles in your face. It could also refer to pretending you're not aging, like if you continue to wear a thong and attempt to seduce 25-year-olds even after your boobs have dropped into your shoes.

Or maybe unsuccessful aging is when you start wearing kneehose with miniskirts and plastic rain bonnets. When you start walking around under an umbrella when it's not raining, and wearing a coat when it's eighty degrees, you know you're in big trouble.