Wednesday, December 30, 2009

Another New Year Haiku

I'm making a list
of some things I'd like this year
George Clooney, you're first.

Sunday, December 20, 2009

New Year Haiku

New Year's brings out guilt
People make resolutions
No more porn at work

Economy sucks
Maybe things will look up soon
Obama's trying

Healthcare bill a mess
Sarah Palin interferes
An ignorant skank


I recently came across the expression "warm the cockles of my heart." Of course, it's not exactly a new expression, nor am I the first to ponder its obvious implications.

However, I became curious as to what a "cockle" actually is, and looked it up. I learned that a "cockle" is a hairy plant with a purplish flower, commonly found in grain fields and on the side of the road. John Bobbit immediately came to mind at this discovery, though his anatomical mishap was not, of course, in any way connected to the word's origin. The cockle is also a type of sea creature (as in, "cockles and mussels"), which is, apparently, somewhat heart-shaped.

Invariably, this also led me to speculate on the origin of the word "cock," and found that its origin, not surprisingly, doesn't have anything to do with the heart (or the brain). The original meaning was "a male bird." The word was also used to represent aggression in connection to fighting birds. Apparently, because birds have upright posture, the word also came to mean "something that sticks up." Well, okay then.

Monday, December 14, 2009

My Online Dating Saga - "Horny yet Intellectual"

One guy described himself in his profile as "crazily oversexed...with the highest intellectual standards."

Most of us (women) understand that one of these two things does not necessarily preclude the other. I found it amusing that Horny Intellectual Guy was compelled to add the "intellectual standards" part to maximize the possibility that the women reading it would say to themselves, "Ah, he cares about my MIND, too - he's the perfect man!!" Or perhaps, taken literally, it means discussing existentialism between thrusts.

I suppose the "crazily oversexed" part is meant to pique our curiosity. How, one wonders, would "oversexed" actually be defined? If "oversexed" implies the desire (and, we'd have to assume, the ability) to do it more than, say, three times a day, then might "crazily oversexed" refer to three times an hour? Of course, it could refer to content, rather than quantity - maybe only once a day, but involving Saran Wrap, a Barbie doll and a toy giraffe. One can only speculate....

Thursday, December 3, 2009

My Online Dating Saga - "Nipple What?"

I got a message from a guy with the profile name "Nipple Bender." My curiosity got the better of me, and I peeked at his profile. Yes, he meant it literally.

I can't help but ponder the logistics of this procedure. Bending? Not tweaking? I get tweaking, but bending actually implies that said nipples have more flexible capabilities than one would normally assume. In fact, nipple contortionist would be a more accurate description. I've heard of people who can bend their pinkie finger back over their wrist. Perhaps it's a similar phenomenon.

Of course, in terms of the human body, since the elasticity of pretty much everything is adversely proportional to age, the nipples of a mature woman may in fact bend more easily. Regrettably, however, the same could not be said for their ability to spring back to their original location. Therein lies the paradox.

Would, then, the poor woman's nipples be forever askew, pointed in opposite directions? Or, even more disturbingly, in the same direction, both pointing to the left or to the right, like those flares on airport runways that lead the planes safely to the gate? Hmmm....