Wednesday, October 7, 2009
Hello. Welcome to Phone Therapy. If you're depressed, press one. If you're trying to work through childhood traumas, press two. If you have multiple personality disorder, press three and four. If you have an eating disorder, press pound. You have pressed two, working through childhood traumas. If this is correct, press star. If you are the adult child of an alcoholic parent, press two. If you are the adult child of a parent addicted to twelve-step programs, press three. If you are the adult child of a Republican, press four. If you are the adult child of sixties love children who named you after a plant, press five. You have pressed five. If you are a woman who loves too much, press one. If you are a woman who reads too much about women who love too much, press two. You have pressed one. If you are drawn to men who are emotionally unavailable, press two. If you prone to affairs with married men, press three. If you want to have an affair with a married man, hang up and call 555-2123. If you remember why the hell you called in the first place, hold on and someone will be with you shortly. Have a wonderful day.