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Humor, job search advice, and so on....
Showing posts with label employment. Show all posts
Showing posts with label employment. Show all posts
Saturday, July 3, 2010
Tuesday, February 3, 2009
JOB INTERVIEW DON'TS
When the employer says, "Tell me about yourself"...
...tell him about how your divorce has made you a more spiritual person.
When the interviewer asks you about weaknesses...
...tell her you need to be jump-started in the morning.
When asked why you left your previous job...
...say your supervisor caught you loading office printers into the trunk of your car.
When asked how you handle stress...
...say you tend to hold it in until you explode.
When the employer asks you for an example of your problem-solving abilities...
...tell him you figured out how to sleep with your eyes open to appear awake during staff meetings.
When asked what you know about the organization...
...say, "I heard you have a lot of hot men who work here."
When the interviewer asks you why there's a 3-year gap on your resume...
...tell her you're going to plead the fifth on that one.
When asked about your greatest strengths...
...say you can bend your pinkie finger back 180 degrees.
When asked where you want to be five years from now...
...respond, "On a yacht in the middle of the South Pacific."
When the interviewer asks, "Why should I hire you?"
...answer, "Why indeed?"
When the employer asks you what you enjoyed the most about a previous job...
...say, "The Friday morning doughnuts."
When asked what questions you have...
...say, "Who was that cute guy we passed on the way to your office?"
...tell him about how your divorce has made you a more spiritual person.
When the interviewer asks you about weaknesses...
...tell her you need to be jump-started in the morning.
When asked why you left your previous job...
...say your supervisor caught you loading office printers into the trunk of your car.
When asked how you handle stress...
...say you tend to hold it in until you explode.
When the employer asks you for an example of your problem-solving abilities...
...tell him you figured out how to sleep with your eyes open to appear awake during staff meetings.
When asked what you know about the organization...
...say, "I heard you have a lot of hot men who work here."
When the interviewer asks you why there's a 3-year gap on your resume...
...tell her you're going to plead the fifth on that one.
When asked about your greatest strengths...
...say you can bend your pinkie finger back 180 degrees.
When asked where you want to be five years from now...
...respond, "On a yacht in the middle of the South Pacific."
When the interviewer asks, "Why should I hire you?"
...answer, "Why indeed?"
When the employer asks you what you enjoyed the most about a previous job...
...say, "The Friday morning doughnuts."
When asked what questions you have...
...say, "Who was that cute guy we passed on the way to your office?"
Saturday, January 31, 2009
IT'S MY JOB AND I'LL SCREW UP IF I WANT TO
When you think about it, it’s funny how baseball players’ records are displayed on a huge electronic board and seen by thousands of people. “Batting average .342, 18 home runs, 74 runs batted in.” Imagine if the media kept track of everyone’s job that way. “Dr. Goldstein removed the correct organ 256 times out of 260 operations. Made six incorrect diagnoses.” “In 1969, Joan Baez sang 684 notes without going flat. Bob Dylan, who was in a slump that year, sang three.”
In some careers, imperfections don’t really matter. You can often be an actor if you’re not that talented. If you’re good-looking, it’s okay. That doesn’t work for a pharmacist, does it? “He can’t see the labels on the bottles, but he’s hot, so we don’t care. We love coming in for those pills.”
You can’t screw up too much if you’re a surgeon. When you’re poking around in someone’s brain with a sharp instrument, you don’t have a lot of room for error. “Oops, my hand slipped. Oh well, he doesn’t really need the left side of his brain anyway.” Doctors sometimes leave the operating room during long operations. It must be scary to be lying there while the surgeon’s poking around in your intestines and suddenly hear her say, “Well, I finished reconnecting about half her mucous membranes. I have to go pee. Dr. Taylor, you could use the practice since you’re pretty new at this. Why don’t you take over.”
Some people have jobs that must be hard to disclose on a first date. “I work in a slaughterhouse. Nice to meet you.” “I’m in sludge removal. Can I kiss you?” “I work for the Serial Killer Task Force. Want to come over?” “I train telemarketers. Why don’t you give me your phone number?”
I always thought making balloon animals would be a fun job. Except your hands would smell like a condom factory. How did it occur to someone to make balloon animals in the first place? Someone must have been really bored to be staring long enough at a balloon to start thinking, “I bet I could make that balloon look like a rabbit.”
With some jobs, it’s hard to understand why anyone would choose it. What’s the thought process that leads someone to decide to become a prison guard? “Yeah, now that I made it out of high school, I think I’ll spend 40 hours a week in a gray concrete building with 200 murderers and rapists who’d love to kill me.” Yep, that would be a fun job. Although it wouldn’t be as bad as being President, especially during the last decade or so. Now there’s a great job. Working twenty hours a day for four years straight, people with guns following you wherever you go so no one kills you, being blamed for everything - kind of like that wimpy kid in third grade who always got in trouble because he was too dumb to know what was really going on (I am, of course, referring to our previous Idiot-in-Chief). And imagine turning on CNN and hearing about the blow job you had the night before. As far as career choices go, I think I’d prefer sludge removal.
In some careers, imperfections don’t really matter. You can often be an actor if you’re not that talented. If you’re good-looking, it’s okay. That doesn’t work for a pharmacist, does it? “He can’t see the labels on the bottles, but he’s hot, so we don’t care. We love coming in for those pills.”
You can’t screw up too much if you’re a surgeon. When you’re poking around in someone’s brain with a sharp instrument, you don’t have a lot of room for error. “Oops, my hand slipped. Oh well, he doesn’t really need the left side of his brain anyway.” Doctors sometimes leave the operating room during long operations. It must be scary to be lying there while the surgeon’s poking around in your intestines and suddenly hear her say, “Well, I finished reconnecting about half her mucous membranes. I have to go pee. Dr. Taylor, you could use the practice since you’re pretty new at this. Why don’t you take over.”
Some people have jobs that must be hard to disclose on a first date. “I work in a slaughterhouse. Nice to meet you.” “I’m in sludge removal. Can I kiss you?” “I work for the Serial Killer Task Force. Want to come over?” “I train telemarketers. Why don’t you give me your phone number?”
I always thought making balloon animals would be a fun job. Except your hands would smell like a condom factory. How did it occur to someone to make balloon animals in the first place? Someone must have been really bored to be staring long enough at a balloon to start thinking, “I bet I could make that balloon look like a rabbit.”
With some jobs, it’s hard to understand why anyone would choose it. What’s the thought process that leads someone to decide to become a prison guard? “Yeah, now that I made it out of high school, I think I’ll spend 40 hours a week in a gray concrete building with 200 murderers and rapists who’d love to kill me.” Yep, that would be a fun job. Although it wouldn’t be as bad as being President, especially during the last decade or so. Now there’s a great job. Working twenty hours a day for four years straight, people with guns following you wherever you go so no one kills you, being blamed for everything - kind of like that wimpy kid in third grade who always got in trouble because he was too dumb to know what was really going on (I am, of course, referring to our previous Idiot-in-Chief). And imagine turning on CNN and hearing about the blow job you had the night before. As far as career choices go, I think I’d prefer sludge removal.
Wednesday, January 28, 2009
THINGS NOT TO SAY AT WORK
"Man, did I get wasted last night. I jumped on the bar and danced in my jockstrap. Wanna see the pictures?"
"The CEO is so hot. I'd love to hit that, wouldn't you?"
"I just took this job cause my trust fund dried up."
"Wouldn't it be funny if I sprinkled some pot into the coffeemaker?"
"Hey, Jin got a raise. No fair! I bet it's because he's Asian."
"The boss is out today. Want to sneak out the side door an hour early?"
"Yeah, I always take the credit for Katie's ideas. She's banging the director, so what can she say?"
"I always delete my online history so the MIS guy can't tell I look at porn sites all day."
"Good, another meeting. I could use a nap."
"It's 4:59. I'm outta here!"
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