Sunday, May 30, 2010

Haiku - On the Parkway

I walk on the bridge
Magnum wrapper on the ground
sidewalk sex, I guess

Hawks nest on the roof
try to fly - bird-watchers stare
performance problems

Friday, May 28, 2010

Have They Popped Their Corks?

I recently came across an event that takes place in Boston every spring. The event consists of a myriad of workshops with titles that made me wonder if it were part of some kind of parody.

Apparently not.

One of my favorites was "Roadkill Arts & Crafts: Using Mammals and Birds After They Have Been Killed by Cars." The lesson plan includes "harvesting roadkill and de-fatting." Interestingly enough, the facilitator has no last name. Maybe he himself has actually run over the animals whose carcasses he will bring to class, and therefore wishes to remain anonymous.

"Urban Beekeeping" strikes me as a rather risky pastime in which to engage, particularly in the sense of establishing a reputation in your neighborhood as "that crazy bee lady." Personally, I'd rather not be involved in any hobby that would require wearing a net over my head.

Then there's "This is a Stick-Up! The No-Gun Guide to Home Tattooing." Toxic dye and a needle in your kitchen. Now that doesn't sound like a disaster waiting to happen.

And how about "What's All the Fuss About Growing and Eating Heirloom Vegetables?" First of all, what fuss are they talking about? Heirloom vegetables haven't really been a hot topic of conversation, as far as I'm aware. And what exactly are heirloom vegetables? Are they really, really old vegetables that have been rotting in the crisper from generation to generation?

And you have to give credit to anyone who attends "Hair Cutting for Those with Low Standards" for acknowledging that they just don't give a crap.

But I have to admit my favorite is "Female Ejaculation - You Too Can Squirt!" In this workshop, the "legend will be examined, and the reality that is squirting will be revealed." Legend? As in "The Legend of Sleepy Hollow?" I couldn't help but wonder if the lesson plan for this workshop would consist of a group of women pleasuring themselves, but apparently it's all discussion. All talk and no play, as it were. The facilitator's perspective is that squirting is a desirable goal to attain, though there are likely many men who, instead of finding it erotic, would merely ask, "Did you just pee?"

Saturday, May 22, 2010

Lost Haiku

"Lost" scripts had mistakes
but Josh Holloway's gorgeous
so plot holes - who cares?

I ponder small points
once the Dharma soap is gone
survivors would stink

"Lost" is now ending
obsession redirected
back to cake and sex

Sunday, May 16, 2010

Haiku - Home Adventures

An Exorcist Moment

My bed is shaking-
is it possessed? An earthquake?
just neighbors screwing

Pissing Through the Pipes

I hear loud trickling
through the laundry room ceiling
hope it doesn't leak

Frankenstein Steps

Ponderous footsteps -
monster coming up the stairs?
no - tired neighbor

Saturday, May 15, 2010

Phrases That Make Men Cringe

I'm on a list kick lately. Here's a short list of phrases that men don't want to hear:

1.   Testicular tortion - I'm not even sure exactly what it is, but it sounds nasty. I believe some kind of unnatural twisting of genitalia is involved.

2.   Vaginal discharge (the bad kind). If it's not sexual, any fluids that come out of that general area are not something men want to know about.

3.   Menstrual anything

4.   Performance anxiety - even when referring to the jitters prior to doing a drum solo onstage, I imagine it's hard to hear this phrase without the negative association.

5.   "Size doesn't matter." No one would say this to someone who was built like King Kong. If a woman makes this comment to a man, he knows he's in trouble.

6.   Penile implants - Not something any man wants to have to even think about.

Friday, May 14, 2010

Post-Mother's Day Reflections - Top Ten Ways to Not Become My Mother

10. Have sex with younger men.

9.  Have sex.

8.  Never buy a plastic rain bonnet.

7.  Occasionally venture outside a 2-mile radius of my house.

6.  Never use the phrase, "in my day...."

5.  Refrain from wearing clothing that covers every part of my body that looks imperfect.

4.  Don't buy generic ice cream.

3.  Wear underwear that couldn't ever be used as an Ace bandage.

2.  Don't buy a cabinet and keep figurines of cute animals in it.

1.  Never say to a friend in a restaurant, "I can't eat anything on the menu, but it's okay - I'll eat when I get home."

Sunday, May 9, 2010

Boob Haiku

Woman's boobs so huge
she can't get out of her bed
They could feed Texas

Need to prop them up
fling one over each shoulder
to make a boob train

Sex could be risky
smothering a real danger
keep an air hose near