My Online Dating Saga - Sexually Ambiguous Guy

We were to meet in a bar. When he stood up from his barstool and walked toward me, I thought, Gay. We moved to a couch, and he casually draped his arm around the back, behind my shoulders. I thought, Not gay.

We chatted for awhile. The conversation turned to movies, and he said one of his favorites was "Kiss of the Spider Woman," and that, in one particular scene, he admired Raul Julia's shirt. I thought, Gay. He added how sensuous Sonia Braga was in the film. I thought, Not Gay.

He excused himself to visit the men's room. I watched him walk away and thought, Gay. When he came back, he sat very close to me and touched my knee. I thought, Not Gay.

This mental vacillation went on for awhile longer, and then he drove me home. By the time he kissed me, I decided that even if he wasn't confused, I wasn't attracted to a man whose sexuality was so enigmatic.

My Online Dating Saga - Mr. Clusterf*ck

I've never been particularly good at multitask dating myself. Not that I wouldn't message more than one person at a time, or arrange to meet more than one guy a week, but two at a time is my limit (probably not in the same night). The difference between me and the guy who pretty much stood me up twice - let's call him Mr. Clusterf*ck - is that I am aware of my limitations, and would not attempt to juggle so many potential dates simultaneously as to end up dropping balls.

Mr. Clusterf*ck apparently has no such self-awareness. We had plans to meet several months ago, at a place that necessitated my waiting for a bus in the rain, and he didn't show. After I had blow-dried my socks, I sent him a message to the effect that if he had been run over by an SUV or held hostage at gunpoint by a recent Harvard grad overwhelmed by student loan payments, he had my sympathies, but if that wasn't the case then he was incredibly rude.

I didn't get a response for several days, which wasn't particularly a surprise, but then he sent me a message telling me that he had a family emergency out of town and, amazingly enough, his computer was simultaneously malfunctioning. All that was missing were a dying grandmother, a broken-down car and a rabid dog.

I thought that was that until he called me on my cell, at a time when I was unable to talk. I called him back and left a message. Never heard back. Right after that his profile, the third he'd had in the few months since I'd joined, was deleted. Hmmm.

Last week, Mr. Clusterf*ck popped up again, sending me a message that he seemed to remember he owed me a beer. Ya think? Anyway, by this time I was kind of curious as to what the hell this guy was really like in person, and thought I'd give him the benefit of the doubt. I agreed to meet him. He suggested a day he was free. I sent him a message suggesting a specific time and place, and of course, I didn't hear back.

That is, until I checked my cell and found a message from him asking him to verify a time and place we hadn't discussed, on the day BEFORE we were supposed to tentatively meet. Apparently, he had confused me with someone else.

Good luck to her.

My Online Dating Saga - More Prize-Winners

Occasionally, among the banal, I come across some genuinely funny and original stuff. Here is some more of the most notable:

"I love dogs, cats and children - they taste just like chicken."

One of the first things people notice about me: "My remarkable likeness to my picture at the post office."

"I am a practitioner of Karma Sutra II...." (otherwise known as Tantric Sex, the Sequel - I heard it was better than Rambo II)

"Let us form an orderly line, preferably three wide - blonds left, redheads center, brunettes right, and all others can simply intermingle."

"I am the meat-puppet of the God flute of the universe." Huh?

My Online Dating Saga - and the winner is...

In my online dating travels, I've come across a few answers to profile questions that deserve recognition.

The best answer to the question, "What is the Most Private Thing You're Willing to Admit Here?" is, hands-down, "I paid $2000 for a photo of Mr. Rogers beating a nun to death on a pile of dead puppies." Now that's a guy I want to meet....

First runner-up: "I was once molested by a covey of Catholic Nuns" (the nun theme seems to be a popular one).

Second runner-up: "I do it alone on a regular basis."

Winner of the Mr. Subtle Award for the answer to the question, "What are 6 Things You Couldn't Do Without?": "Sex, Sex, Sex, Sex, Sex, and a blow job."

The winner of the In-Your-Face Award is for the profile name, "Biggest Cock Ever" and the accompanying instruction to "click the pink link in my profile."

My Online Dating Saga - on the nose

There is a phrase screenwriters are familiar with called "on the nose." This does not refer to an unfortunately placed wart, but rather dialogue that states the obvious in a manner that generally makes the audience wince with its lack of subtlety. The following are excerpts from profiles that are, clearly, not written by screenwriters.

"...I am looking for a nice woman with a nice rack..." "I have an insatiable appetite..." "...in case you were wondering, I am 'well-endowed' and regularly use 'Extends' (excuse me, but isn't that statement a contradiction??)..." "If you are a woman seeking great loving and absolute discretion, I'm your man...I like single, divorced, widowed, engaged, or married, and can swing if required...." "The first thing people usually notice about me is my enormous penis or my sense of humor, whichever cums first (okay, that one is at least somewhat clever)."

One message I received in my inbox contained a photo that, at first glance, looked like the head of a penis. When I investigated further (of course I did, what do you think??), it turned out to be, in fact, his nose.

My Online Dating Saga - Kevin, is that you???

Here's a weird one. A guy's profile came up in my matches whose photo was a dead ringer for Kevin Spacey. Not as in he just looked like Kevin Spacey. This actually appeared to be Kevin Spacey's photo on this guy's profile. Could anyone really look that much like him, I wondered? And if not, why would someone put his photo up on their profile? I mean, Kevin Spacey is attractive and a wonderful actor, but if you're going to put an actor's pic up on your profile, why not, say, Brad Pitt?

And if you were doing it as a joke, wouldn't it be funnier to use someone like Woody Allen, or Weird Al Yankovic, or maybe Howard Stern? Why Kevin Spacey?

I had to find out. I emailed the guy and asked if he could be Kevin Spacey's identical twin brother or if that was, in fact, Kevin Spacey's pic on his profile and did he just put it up there to see if anyone noticed?

Since the guy identified himself as bisexual and I wasn't comfortable with dating a bi guy (when you've had the inevitable single-woman misfortune of falling in love with a gay male friend, you get a bit gun-shy about this), I decided to be upfront about that, not wishing to give the wrong impression as to why I emailed him. Big mistake.

Pseudo-Kevin sent a scathing email back, clearly having taken offense at my query. I didn't mind the insult, the nature of which was rather absurd (he pretty much referred to me as fat, which at size 8 could possibly be true in the Bizarro World, but not anywhere else) as much as I minded the fact that he didn't answer the question. I guess Kevin Spacey's face will continue to float in the online dating dimension, forever a mystery.

My Online Dating Saga - Boy Toy Time?

In the spirit of being open to whatever romantic adventures might come my way, no matter how potentially embarrassing, I decided to actually meet in person one of those 28-year-old guys with possible Oedipal issues who often send me sweetly suggestive messages. I won't be doing that again.

The lack of mutual interest was obvious from the first three seconds, but we both had to play nice and chat for a brief period before politely escaping. On his part, he was probably paying too much attention to my boobs to really look at my face in the photos, so seeing me in person was probably a bit of a shock for the poor kid.

As for my lack of interest, it was due to the fact that the guy talked in a complete monotone, like Steven Wright without the comedy. For half an hour of conversation. No vocal inflection whatsoever. I suspect meds were involved.

I couldn't help but flash back to another half-hour date, with a guy who stared at the bartender while slinging back shots of bourbon, his nose dripping down his face the entire time. Just when I was about to offer him a Kleenex, he wiped his nose with his hand.

Maybe the next one will be better....

My Online Dating Saga - Oh Please, Let it Not Be Him

Somehow there seems to be a disconnect between what the person looks like in their photo(s) and what they look like 3-dimensionally. When there's more than one photo, the chances are greater that you won't be too surprised when you meet them in person, but there's still no guarantee that the reality won't be at best disappointing and at worst horrifying.

Several times, I entered the coffee shop where I was to meet a quasi-blind date, looked around, saw someone sitting by himself and thought, "Oh God, I hope that's not him" - and, of course, it was. One particular guy, who seemed very attractive in his photo, in person appeared mentally challenged. In fact, when I saw him, I thought to myself, "That can't possibly be him, because that guy is mentally challenged." Of course, he wasn't actually mentally challenged, nor did the illusion manifest itself in any way other than visually, but nevertheless a mentally challenged appearance is not, in a general sense, sexually appealing.

Of course, a mentally challenged appearance is better than getting a response to my message and discovering that the guy is, in fact, actually mentally challenged. Apparently he had considerable assistance in writing the profile. I mistakenly thought the goofy expression in his photo was his attempt at being amusing. I realized it wasn't when he responded with a childishly worded statement that his favorite T.V. show was "Flipper."

Then there was the guy who looked like an anorexic teenaged girl, without an ounce of testosterone in sight. Not much more you can say about that. And the one who wasn't bad-looking in person, but seemed to have a creepy quality I couldn't quite put my finger on, and the entire time we were chatting I couldn't help thinking, "Serial killer." When he left, I watched him disappear into the night, possibly to find his next victim....

My Online Dating Saga - He Must be Someone's Type

I try not to categorize humans, but when you've been doing the online dating thing for awhile, men's profiles do occasionally seem to settle into distinct types.

There's Arrested-Development Guy, who's an avid comic book collector and is looking for a woman to "teach him the magic." A.D. Guy has apparently either gotten bad advice from his fellow A.D. friends or has, all by himself, decided that to elicit responses he must include as many blatant references to his anatomy as possible, such as his "large crotch bulge" and allusions to the multitude of tissues he goes through on a daily basis.

Then there's Maniacally Optimistic Guy, whose exuberance overflows the profile page. He can't contain his enthusiastic expression of how fabulous his life and the lives of everyone in the entire world is, or could be, if they only saw all the incredible and delectable morsels of bounty the universe has to offer. Is anyone really THAT happy? And if so, could any of the rest of us cynical optimists actually stand to be around them?

M.O. Guy actually has some traits in common with Cliche Guy, who uses such platitudes as "I love to laugh." Come on. How about, "I hate to laugh. Laughing makes my balls explode." Or "I'm a "glass-is-half-full kinda guy." Full of what? Does that mean you're an alcoholic?

My Online Dating Saga - and speaking of full disclosure...

...there was the guy who confessed in his profile that he was a recovering drug addict who had robbed a bank and spent 4 years in prison, and been divorced several times. I think he was going for the world record for how many red flags one guy could wave. He also appeared to be addicted to exclamation points, as he used them at the end (and occasionally the middle) of every sentence. Although you gotta give the guy credit for honesty, I'll be moving on, thanks.

I wonder how many responses he got. After all, Ted Bundy (serial killer of young women, in case you're not familiar) had women proposing to him in letters they sent to him on death row. Maybe Prison Guy has the right idea....

My Online Dating Saga - Freak Me Out

My scariest date was with a guy with whom I shared something pretty rare in my online dating experience - mutual chemistry. We met for coffee and seemed to really be connecting. As I was reluctant to suggest dinner at a restaurant because my budget was tight that week, we ended up back at my place for some leftovers.

I heard him make a phone call when I was in the kitchen, but didn't think much of it, until we were making out a bit in the living room. Apparently wanting to lay it all out there, he stopped kissing my neck to tell me that the call he made was to his parole officer. He then proceeded to tell me that he'd just spent a year and a half in prison because he'd tried to strangle his girlfriend. He didn't actually say the words, "I tried to strangle my girlfriend," but that was the inevitable interpretation of a lot of hemming and hawing about a volatile relationship, a fight, and his hands somehow ending up around her neck.

He hastened to assure me that he had had anger management training and that he understood if I wanted to think about whether or not I wanted to see him again. He was sweet about it, actually, and I didn't feel at all threatened by him, but nevertheless I politely saw him out and, I admit, locked the door a bit more hastily than usual.

My Online Dating Saga - Get a Pair

Okay, if you haven't actually met someone in person, what level of communication do you owe them? If someone isn't interested, I'd much prefer a lack of response than a rejection letter. I once received an irate email declaring me a bitch because I didn't respond to the guy's initial email. Of course, he was clearly over the edge of the sanity line, but it got me thinking about this whole response issue. If someone emails you and you aren't interested, it's my understanding that it's perfectly acceptable and expected to just not respond. No response is the response. Otherwise, you have to send a canned thanks-but-no-thanks to everyone who messages you. So either you have to lie and say you met someone, or it doesn't look like you have much in common, which may be so obviously not true that the person knows you're lying. The only other option would play like the film, "The Invention of Lying." How would that go? "Thanks for your kind email, but even though we seem to have much in common I find you physically repulsive." "Thanks for your message, but you remind me of my dead grandfather." "You seem intelligent and funny, but I can't imagine ever even thinking about wanting to having sex with you." Usually we wouldn't want to know the reason why someone isn't interested in us; it falls under the "some things are better left unsaid" category. Just chalk it up to personal preference and move on. Come on, now. Be a big boy.

One guy actually said he felt "abused" because I didn't respond to his email. I was tempted to subsequently respond to Mr. Sensitive by suggesting that perhaps he should consider continuing his therapy for awhile longer before attempting online dating, but I figured that, if no response at all made him feel abused, this response could put him over the edge. Of course, then it would prove my point that no response is often better than a truthful one. Still, I wouldn't want to be the one responsible for his breakdown....

My Online Dating Saga - What's the Deal?

There are some features on these dating sites that don't quite make sense to me. One site actually has a "stalker" function. This is supposed to be a good thing? If I wanted stalkers, I'd find some hunky wackos to go out with. And what about those compatibility tests, to match values, interests, preferred sexual positions and favorite fetishes? Supposedly the higher the match percentage, the better. If I wanted a male me, I'd just have sex with myself. Oh wait, I do that already.

Based on the match percentage, the site informs me, "We think you would get along well with this person." Why not just be honest and say, "We don't have a f*cking clue who you'd get along with, but our guess is as good as yours, so just go with it."

And what is the purpose of a "wink?" Basically, that means the guy is too much of a wuss to actually email me - kinda like those construction guys who yell and make pseudo-f*ck-me gestures at female pedestrians out for their morning bagels. And then there's the "favorites" function. Translated, it means, "I'm not interested enough to actually send you a message right now, but I'll save you for later in case I'm not having much luck getting laid sometime in the near future."

My Online Dating Saga - Opening Line Don'ts

I've been doing the online dating thing for awhile, and though I've met some interesting guys, I've had much better luck with getting writing material than with the actual dating part.

There are some common-sense unwritten rules that many would-be daters don't seem to grasp. Here are some pointers for the marginally, and not-so-marginally, clueless:

Chances are, you won't get much of a response if you email a potential date with these opening lines:

"Nice rack. Want to chat?"

"Yummy." How do you really respond to that? "Thanks?"

"I'm looking for someone to f*ck. Could it be you?" Subtlety isn't exactly your strong suit, is it?

"I'd love to twist you around like a pretzel." I'm not even sure what that means, unless the guy has a fetish for contortionists. Sounds more painful than erotic.

"I'm looking for an angel like you to make peace my lonely nights." Okay, obviously English isn't his first language, but still pretty hokey. And obviously a mass email that he sent to probably 50 women, hoping to hit the jackpot.

One guy just IM'd me with a photo of his dick (iphones do come in handy, don't they?). A dick-and-run, as it were.

More to come....

Daylight savings time haiku

Clocks go back today
Boss shows up an hour early
Genius he is not

Say What?

There are some phrases and buzzwords that have sprung up in the last few years that I find immensely irritating, and I sincerely hope they will soon meet their collective demise:

"Have a good one." One what? Night on the town? Drive home in gridlock? Orgasm?

"Skilled at multitasking." Does that refer to those people who drive while shaving their legs, eating breakfast and talking on their cell? Or maybe someone who does threesomes.

"It's all good." Is it really? Tell that to the guy who lost his job and his health insurance a year ago and is preparing to stake his territory in the alley behind his soon-to-be-ex-house.

"Think outside the box." But how big is that box, anyway? And does anyone actually know what's in it? If not, then how could anyone know if they're thinking outside it or not? I guess if you get thrown in jail for being unpatriotic, you know you were thinking outside the box.

"Wellness." Come on. Can we all just agree to put that word out of its misery? Can anyone really tell me how that word is different than "health?" I dare you.